


Moth Into Flame

by Tayani



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Akechi Goro Lives, Blood, Character Study, Depression, M/M, Minor Spoilers, Post-Canon, implied suicidal thoughts, mutually destructive relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 14:39:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14979299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tayani/pseuds/Tayani
Summary: The two of them longed for release from this world; with one of them damaged beyond belief and the other forever unable to forgive himself for not picking up the pieces. They keep each other alive so they can hurt; in a world devoid of meaning, pain is the one thing worth living for, after all.





	Moth Into Flame

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning: this story isn't fun. It's sad and it's depressing and it's hurting, because sometimes these feelings need to be written out. That being said, to those who choose to read it anyway; thank you.

For a supposed city that never sleeps, Tokyo feels desolate at night; if one only keeps to silent residential areas, that is. All it took was slipping away; a street or two out from the bustling centres of light and noise, where the voices turned muffled and the music died down. The feeling was almost like one slipping into the Metaverse, and Akira knew he missed it. It was the very reason why he was here right now, after all. Chase of the thrill; chase of the memories; chase of when his mind was still free and sound.

He checks his phone again; the light from the screen almost hurting his eyes in the dark alleyway. The single line of text glares back at him.

_10pm, usual place. Come alone._

Come alone. As if he needed to be told that. As if he’d ever allow anyone to fall together with him.

Akira feels the presence before he sees or hears him; hands slipping into his own, a movement, and he turns and follows obediently. They don’t talk; they never do. Words would complicate what is the one, simple thing in both of their lives. They climb familiar stairs and Goro turns the key and lets them in. Akira waits for the door to click shut. This is what they agreed on, too. The apartment is silent and dark, but he doesn’t need sight right now; Akira’s eyes close as the gentle, long fingers run through his hair and their lips touch.

It’s what breaks the dam; Akira’s hands are anything but gentle as he pushes Goro against the door, hearing the pained sound that escapes into his mouth through their kiss. He doesn’t complain or push away, he never does. Once, Goro has called this his atonement; and Akira never hurt more when he heard it, but he never really stopped, either.

It’s loveless and painful and filled with tears; his or Goro’s, he can’t say for sure. They stumble to the bedroom, their clothes torn off and scattered over the floor; the bed is made and Akira briefly wonders if Goro planned for them to meet this evening before sending the text. He rarely did.

Despite everything, his searching hands find the other hard, and the gasp he swallows next is anything but painful. The heat rises between them and Goro starts to call for him, his nails raking over Akira’s back, the pain almost cathartic, the knowledge he’ll see marks on his skin there tomorrow making the raven feel alive once more. It takes a long time for both of them to be satisfied; the pain, the constant pain assures that; and when they do, for the few moments, they both reach the blissful, blank state they were both looking for; they were both sacrificing themselves for until now.

Akira’s hands are gentler then, finally, as he releases Goro’s bruised wrists; the other’s teeth are crimson with his blood, and the raven looks down, a ghost of bitter smile appearing on his lips as he sees the skin scraped raw and bloody.

“…your sheets will get dirty.” he says quietly, and Goro looks at the wound, too, before shrugging.

“Not for the first time.”

It’s his cue; it’s as close to begging as Goro ever gets, and Akira never feels cruel enough to deny him. They lay together, pressed close, in clumsy attempt at gentleness, their hearts slowly returning to the cold numbness they try to fight together.

“I need to go.” Akira lies quietly. He knows Goro won’t stop him, he’s too proud for that. What’s more, he knows this is what needs to be done. They tried staying together, at first; when they just found one another again, when they were filled with agony and love and loneliness; when Akira returned to Tokyo and found this dead man walking and living here, forgotten by everyone but himself. But the pain of being together almost rivalled that of being apart; and one night spent by one another’s side was enough to make both of them scramble away into the safety of separation.

Goro is silent, as Akira predicted; but he catches his wrist when the raven sits up. That is new; and painful, as everything is. This type of pain Akira only feels with Goro; the type of pain better than drugs and better than alcohol, this type that makes him feel like he’s more than a ghost in the world of the living. The pain that makes him come whenever he’s called, like a moth to the flame, no matter how hurt he is afterwards.

“Stay.” Goro says quietly, and Akira hears tears in his voice, even as there are none on face. It breaks him apart. Goro was the one who stayed collected. He was the one who asked for their silence, who asked for _them_ to exist only in this apartment, behind locked doors, and nowhere else. If he breaks down, Akira knows his whole world will do so, too.

But he’s powerless against this voice breaking, he’s powerless against the closed eyes and bloody lips, he cannot fight back against the weak, cold hand on his wrist.

“We’ll regret it.” he says quietly, laying back down. Goro doesn’t reach out his arms; his pride has already taken too much damage; and Akira can’t bring himself to open his own. He hears the other man laugh bitterly.

“We regret everything anyway.”

How long has it been, Akira wonders, feeling Goro shift beside him, his own body finally responding to the foreign bit of gentleness they usually don’t let themselves show. Goro’s hair are tickling his chin as he rests his head against Akira’s heart, curling up in the raven’s hesitant arms, eyes closed. How long since he returned to Tokyo, since he came back to his old attic room in Leblanc, filled with ghosts of the past..? How long since his mind started to deteriorate; because the world he has saved has been the same one it always was, because he had no power to help these that needed his help; because a lonely ghost in red mask haunted his dreams reminding him that for all the people he’s saved, he didn’t manage to save the one that mattered..?

And then, how long has it been since he found Goro there; the ghost come alive to haunt him in reality as well as in nightmares..? Akira still remembered the first time they met, after everything, after the world ended. It wasn’t much different from tonight. Back then, Goro had, too, asked him to stay.

“…you’re thin.” he felt himself say, even though they were now supposed to pretend to sleep. They shouldn’t talk. Conversations only hurt them more. And yet, from the former detective in his arms, he felt no protest, no pushback.

“You’re one to talk. If not for your friends pushing you to eat, you’d be just as starved as I am.”

“Perhaps you should invest in friends of your own.”

“Perhaps if I won’t, I’ll starve myself to death and be done with it.”

They both know it’s more than a joke; more than a cheeky little line. They are both dancing close to the flame, yearning for their wings to light, yearning for the fire to let them live again, one last time.

“Goro.” Akira whispers, and feels the other’s eyelashes tremble against his chest; like wings of a moth, fluttering in a trap. “You’ve made a promise.”

“…I know I did.” he heard him whisper back. “And you did, too, Akira. Right now, you are what is keeping me alive… I hate you for it.”

“I hate you, too.”

He feels him smile at the sincerity of their words. Goro digs his fingers into his sides, and Akira hisses quietly, but doesn’t push him away.

“…you want your turn?” he whispered, and Goro fell quiet again, thinking about the proposal.

“In the morning. It’s my turn to hurt you in the morning.”

Akira shrugs; the confession hardly affecting him anymore. It’s what they agreed for, what he wants. It’s loveless and painful and tearing them to pieces… but these nights when they bite and scratch and hurt one another are what keeps them both alive anymore. It’s the glass pane between them and the flame. It’s the one last bit of excitement that is left for them after Yaldabaoth, after Shido, after their deaths. Goro is not allowed to die, for death would be an easy escape; Akira is not allowed to die, for his death would break too many hearts. They keep each other alive and in the living hell; and don’t let anyone else be the reason they live. They don’t need more people to hate if they have one another.

“How poetic.”

“Would you prefer I do it now? I can't hurt you right now. I'd make love to you instead.”

“ _Love_ … That is tempting.”

"It  _would_ hurt more afterwards, I suppose." 

"I always love you, and it always hurts." Akira smiled sadly, sighing as he hid his face in Goro's locks. "Though hurting one another makes it easier to pretend I don't." 

"Perhaps I should make you stop pretending then." Goro said, leaning back. He wasn't himself anymore; his eyes circled and body thin and pale, barely resembling the beautiful boy he once was. Akira's heart squeezed painfully at the sight; and yet still he laughed.

"Making me live with my guilt out in the open. You've always been a sadist." 

"I can't be the only one having nightmares each night." the former detective sneered, before leaning down; the kiss forceful, and yet Akira allowed for it to be whatever Goro wanted it to be. He deserved the pain, he knew. Goro was lucky; Akira had only hurt him physically, while the detective preferred to torment his heart and soul, as well. 

"So shall we? I could give you another chance, Akira. I could watch you fail to save me once again." 

"And if I won't..?" 

Goro looked at him with the fond, sad smile; a smile that said,  _you never learn_. 

"If you won't, I will keep my promise a bit longer, and live." 

 


End file.
